can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
