I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
