he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
