Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
