I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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