I cannot find my penis.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
