Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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