I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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