I take back everything I said about communal showers
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
