mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
