how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
