I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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