They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
