I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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