No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
