i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
