Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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