my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My penis needs a shock collar
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
