I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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