i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
that's an acceptable place to lick
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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