you didnt know i had herpes?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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