I just threw up on my dentist
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
