he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
