Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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