I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
