I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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