your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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