Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
