Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
