i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
