There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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