JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
