every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
