whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
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Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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