Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
