I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
