I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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