dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
