i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
