Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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