I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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