I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
