We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
