FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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