You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
