sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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