His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
