If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
