I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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