I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
