Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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