My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
