She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
