Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
