i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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